A JOURNEY OF HEALING…
Hello!
I’m afraid I’m taking more time than expected to post the audio link follow-up to the previous posting – The Julius Caesar Shock. Some health issues re-surfaced, but slowly back on track! All I need now is a big chunk of Toblerone or Hersey Kisses – and I’m back!
So I’ll be adding the new post (Betrayal - Finding Your Foothold in Faith) very soon. It’ll follow up on getting past the shock of emotional betrayal (or any kind of betrayal for that matter) discussed in the earlier audio link. Although at the time you’re living the shock, it’s difficult to imagine a day when you won’t be stumbling around in a daze, stunned by the fact that someone you trusted violated that trust. But that day does come.
And it doesn’t matter what state the relationship was in or whether you yourself had thoughts of ending it – the result of betrayal weighs just as heavily. Violated trust is violated trust.
As someone wrote me…they were overwhelmed by the feelings of shame and failure. Even more difficult to bear when witnessed by their children. I’d like to repeat what I stated in an earlier post – the person betrayed should not bear the burden of the shame. While no one is perfect and we must all take responsibility for our actions – I do believe everyone deserves some respect and betrayal is a most offensive form of disrespect. It is one thing to confront and another to deceive. I won’t go into the insidiousness of betrayal and how it turns itself on its victims, which I speak of in the previous audio link.
Suffice it to say, that a person betrayed – emotional or otherwise – tends to turn all the awfulness of betrayal on themselves. So following the shock, comes the arduous task of making your way out of that awfulness and finding truth in a truth-lacking situation.
We’ve most likely all heard about the stages of loss/grief (five or seven – depending on the expert) from shock, anger, depression etc. Not everyone will necessarily experience each stage…but certainly we will cross through most of them. I didn’t really cross the anger stage – I was stuck for much longer in the shock stage. I always felt anyone who can betray – and intentionally violate a trust – has serious issues so I was more stunned than angered.
You might ask, “didn’t you even feel anger at yourself for missing the signs?” I wasn’t so much angry at myself as I was feeling sorry for myself at having been “exposed” as an “idiot”! (See Audio-Link: Betrayal – The Julius Caesar Shock)
It was as though the ground beneath me crumbled into an endless pit and catapulted me downward into its darkness. Falling, falling, grasping, grasping, at anything, trying to find some way to stop the emotional plummeting. See, when everything you believed in proves untrue – where do you go from there? How do you make sense of what is and is not?
I always like to say, that my sister, niece and best friend reached into the pit with a long lifeline and dragged me out of it, holding me up long enough until I found the faith that helped me stand on my own. I know, that sounds dramatic…but the truth is…it was and is. But it’s all good…because when what you believe to be true explodes in your face, then the only truth that matters is the absolute truth that comes with faith. That is a truth which never changes.
I always thought I was a fairly faith-ful person – but this experience showed me otherwise. For that, I am grateful. I look at it like this…the faith I thought I had and the faith I found I didn’t have, can be explained with an analogy to watching a Broadway show. It’s exciting and incredibly fun to sit in the dark and watch the story unfold onstage. You may laugh and cry and and shout and stomp and clap to the music – even feel like you’re part of something special – but you really aren’t part of the show. That’s the kind of faith I had.
But what if you became part of the show? What if you were right there immersed in the unfolding story? How exciting would that be? Of course, you would have so much more invested and now – you’re not watching the show, you’re living it. So, if anything good came out of a terrible experience, that was it.
After the shock, there was a long stretch of isolation – trying to come to grips with my own insecurities and fears. And let me tell you, fear is perhaps the greatest weapon we use against ourselves (we’ll talk about that at a later date). I shut myself from the world and if I wasn’t already a television addict, I became one then! I could probably become a TV show critic…I think I’ve seen every episode of every Sci-Fi show ever produced over the last several years and beyond! From the Star Trek series – EVERY federation ship from EVERY quadrant of the galaxy! - Battlestar Galactica, Stargate SG-1, Stargate Atlantis, Stargate Universe (you get my drift!), to any other show I could use to stop from having to think or feel.
I know now, that my self-imposed isolation – normal though some of it was – would not have lasted as long if I had done a few things differently. Such precious time wasted. I’ve read that every thought good or bad manifests itself in your body somehow. I believe that to be true and no one is worth the decline of your own health. I know…between struggling with the onslaught of serious health issues and trying to shake off the shock – I wore myself out. But on the up side, I can tell you how the world was barely saved from utter destruction, time and again, by a varying group of space-faring misfits! Really!
So if I can share any insight that might prove helpful in some way, then becoming a sci-fi expert was well worth it!
I will post the audio link – Betrayal – Finding Your Foothold in Faith – soon. In the meantime, I’m searching my cupboards for some Hersey Kisses – there has to be one hiding out somewhere!
I like to share songs with posts – but I haven’t quite figured out how to with infringing on any rights – so for now, I’ll simply share the titles:
Walking On The Stars, Group 1 Crew
Where My Heart Will Take Me, Russell Watson Used as the theme song to Star Trek Enterprise...(yeah, I wasn’t kidding about the Sci-Fi stuff!) It is actually a re-worked version of Faith Of The Heart performed by Rod Stewart for the Patch Adams soundtrack in 1998. Written by Diane Warren.
And while comments cannot be posted, feel free to share your thoughts at: bhbanter@gmail.com.
Have a blessed day! Roe